texshelters

Tex Shelters takes his Republican Entrance Exam to Run for President

In Election Politics, Humor on June 15, 2011 at 04:12

Christian Gunn conducted the interview for Koch Industries.

Republican examiner, Christian Gunn (CG): What are the top issues in the world today?

Tex Shelters (Tex): Taxes, Terrorism (including terrorist unions), Immigration, and Taxes.

CG: What is scarier, a woman being raped, or taxes?

Tex: Taxes.

CG: Correct. Are you in massive denial?

Tex: More than any other candidate since Ronald Reagan.

CG: Name the last nine Presidents.

Tex: Barack Obama. And let me add that he’s what’s wrong with our nation and economy.

CG: Correct. Do you solemnly swear to fabricate facts?

Tex: All information will be vetted by Fox News and the Koch Brothers.

CG: Correct. What would you do to improve the economy?

Tex: Barack Obama has created the largest deficit of any nation ever in the history of the world and not created jobs.

CG: Correct. Name a Supreme Court decision you disagree with?

Tex: (Silence)

CG: Correct. Name a hero of yours and why.

Tex: Thomas Jefferson is my hero because he wrote the Declaration of Independence to warn the British not to take away our guns,  and he loves the Bible so much that he cut it into pieces and created his own version of it to better understand it.

CG: What do you think about cap and trade?

Tex: I don’t own and caps, so I don’t have any to trade.

CG: How do you feel about global warming?

Tex: I am all for it. This planet is too cold as it is.

CG: What would you do to improve our nation’s schools?

Tex: Get rid of the teachers. They’re what’s wrong with our schools.

CG: How would you improve our nations health?

Tex: Get rid of Obamacare.

CG: Correct. Now I will show you a few inkblots for your interpretation.

Number one:

Tex: Gay sex

CG: Very good Mr. Callahan, now number 2:


Tex: Gay marriage and sex

CG: Excellent. Now number 3:

Tex: Gay sex abortion.

CG: Good. Here’s another one:

Tex: Liberal socialist abortion

CG: Excellent once again. One more Mr. Shelters.

Tex: The anti-Christ, no Barack Obama.

CG: Well done Mr. Shelters. I have one last question for you, and I think I know the answer. Are you taking this exam to run for president or to get more attention for your businesses, books, and speaking tour?

Inkblots from http://blog.nermo.com/

Peace,
Tex Shelters

  1. For Good Measure

    This is such old news
    I would be asleep
    We are in shit creek, though,
    clavicle deep

    When you say
    “There is so much work to do”
    Are you kidding me;
    are you kidding you?

    Are folks afraid to face
    exactly how serious
    Are they deluded or just
    rendered delirious?

    Are the ramifications
    so mystifying
    that folks just cannot see
    that they involve dying?

    Why is the attitude
    so cavalier
    To the egregious deeds
    being done here?

    The information has been
    out there for years
    The difference now is
    no-return has been cleared.

    Our actions other species’
    extinction has accelerated
    By a factor of greater than
    one hundred it has been stated.

    In twenty years going
    at our present rate
    A factor of ten thousand
    we contemplate.

    We appropriate other species’
    habitats and their means to survive
    We murder them in their attempts
    to find forage and food to stay alive

    Wreaking havoc with biodiversity
    toward calamity we sink
    Breaking the natural ecological chain
    in which we are a link.

    O those pesky rainforests
    sheesh! what a bore
    Protecting them is turning
    into a chore!

    A vast number of species
    calls the rainforests home
    Is this reason enough
    to leave these places alone?

    Under the rainforests
    there are billions and billions of barrels of oil
    The rich will stoop to anything
    to extract this fossil fuel from the soil

    Takes many millions of years
    to replenish fossil fuels
    So once they are gone
    there ain’t gonna be no renewals

    It is not that all rich folks are dumb;
    they have this information too
    They just plan on getting rich
    and being dead before
    the truth comes true.

    The rainforests are called
    the lungs of Planet Earth
    How much are healthy, happy
    and vital lungs worth?

    We may believe that there is time
    but we are wrong
    As I write the rich are acting
    and they are strong.

    For good measure:

    The rich and powerful
    of
    several nations
    are in
    not-necessarily-friendly
    line
    to despoil
    the habitats
    of the species
    of the Arctic
    as Arctic ice melts
    and the possibility exists
    to get
    at the
    fossil fuels
    now
    shielded
    by ice

    Ice-sheet disintegration
    Risen sea levels
    Consequences
    for this century
    not some distant future

    Coastal disasters in a future
    that’s all too near
    Say “Goodbye, London, Shanghai, Venice” and shed a tear.

    Do we get the connection?
    Do we get that it’s now?
    Do we get that it’s personal?
    Do you get that it is your heirs???
    Do we get this?????

    Well do we?

    What about
    famine in
    your great-grandchildren’s time
    do you not get?

    The corporate powers
    of
    the super-rich
    are walking on us
    taking
    what they want now

    We are not living
    in a republic
    nor a democracy

    Freedom?
    Say what?

    We are losing
    the air
    we breathe

    What rights?

    We will lose our habitat
    just as have the species
    we have victimized

    Our coastal towns
    will die in floods

    We are turning
    into a
    police state
    right before
    our glazed eyes

    We are
    the mass torturers
    of the species
    with whom
    we share
    this planet

    And now
    I must read
    silly little poems
    about
    broken hearts
    and
    hope

    And write them

    O shit

    Leeza, 06/09/2011

  2. Until

    Until the last
    dolphin
    has
    leaped
    for
    joy
    without
    danger
    or
    threat

    Until the last
    seal
    has cowered
    under
    her
    murderer’s
    bloodied
    club

    Until the last
    tortured
    calf
    bound for veal
    has
    died
    at the end
    of
    a life
    of
    incessant
    suffering

    As long as
    H. sapiens
    uses the word
    euthanasia
    as a synonym
    for what we do
    to an
    animal
    of a species
    other than our own
    whom
    we no longer
    love
    and
    toward whom
    we have
    decided
    to abandon
    and
    to dishonor
    our commitment

    Until the last
    unhappy
    thoughtful
    pig
    treated
    as a product
    in
    a
    factory
    has
    lived
    and
    been
    murdered
    in
    abject
    misery

    As long as
    H. sapiens’
    ignorance
    is so
    vast
    as to
    value
    the
    rainforests’
    wood
    real estate
    and
    subterranean oil
    more highly
    than
    the
    rainforests
    intact
    and
    pristine

    Until the last
    goose
    has been
    tortured
    with a pipe
    down
    her throat
    to make
    of her liver
    a
    cruel
    gourmet’s
    delight

    As long as
    one whale
    still
    sings

    For
    as
    long
    as
    that

    Until
    then
    or
    until
    my
    eyes
    close
    in
    death

    I
    will
    speak

    If you have come to
    berate me
    chide me
    fault me
    scold me
    scorn me
    mock me
    loathe me

    carry on

    Leeza, 06/13/2011

  3. lol. I think you’ve nailed them straight on the head… thanks for the chuckle.

Comments are closed.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 121 other followers

%d bloggers like this: