“The Shock Doctrine” by Naomi Klein is a great primer for all carpetbaggers and disaster capitalists around the world. We need to take advantage of the latest economic crisis to a much higher degree than we already have.
The banks did a good job parleying the on-coming crisis into cheap, government-guaranteed loans that they turned into record profits. That model of how to make a profit off a crisis will be taught in business schools everywhere in years to come.
We also have the “blame the teachers and their unions” movement led by Secretary of Education Arnie Duncan, Michelle Rhee and others who want to use the perceived crisis in education to privatize schools and make profit centers while gutting teachers unions. Teachers in unions make too much money to make a profit off the schools. As soon as we can bust them, we can make a profit.
Republicans are further taking advantage of the manufactured debt crisis by calling for cuts in those “entitlement” programs that help people that won’t vote for Republicans, thus don’t matter. Good job cutting jobs programs and pensions and assistance to losers (the poor) and keeping the military budget intact with only a few minor cuts. Good job making the poor pay for not working on Wall Street.
There are also the collection agencies that are making a buck evicting people and the security agencies that need to be hired to protect the rich from protesters like the teachers and students in Wisconsin. Though I have my money tied up in the prison industry and offshore oil, I also have made a major investment in a new start-up called “Strike Crushers Allowing Business Success” or S.C.A.B.S. It is business innovation that takes advantage of people’s hardship that makes America great.
We can also use the current crisis in the Middle East to boost my offshore oil profits. What I mean is that American needs a reliable source of oil, and I have it right here for you at Shelters’ Petroleum Industries Limited Liability corporation, or S.P.I.L.L. S.P.I.L.L. is dedicated to bringing oil to you using whatever means necessary.
America’s corporate leaders have to act quickly to separate the American people from their money while the getting is good. Let the Koch brothers, financial backers and leaders of the union busting forces in Wisconsin and America be our role models as we work to squeeze money from pigeons in the U.S.A.
First, we should privatize pregnancy. Women have been getting pregnant and having babies for far too long without having to pay corporations. We can ally ourselves with the anti-choice movements and force women to have babies even when they can’t afford them or they might die (another source of money), then get the government to pay for the care of the pregnant women at our government subsidized baby farms. After the glorious forced birth, we can sell the babies to adoptive parents whether the biological mother changes her mind and wants the baby or not. The hussies were only going to abort them after all.
We must also privatize all non-profit adoption agencies for “public health” reasons. Using the state health service for profit is okay as long as they don’t interfere with my profit making.
We need to be ready to deal with the global warming crisis that we tell the media doesn’t exist but we exacerbate with offshore oil drilling. To do this, we must first, collect all trash from our friends in the waste management business, buy islands in the Northern climes near Siberia, Scotland and Finland, and use the waste as land fill to build up the islands as resort destinations for wealthy clients and as a safe havens against the rising tides caused by icecap melting. This synergy among various parts of the economy, construction, waste management, real estate, and finance, will take us through the next millennium.
We are behind the curve in addressing the coming (occurring?) global food crisis. Taking cues from the Yes Men’s “Reburger” project (video below), we find there are all sorts of profit making opportunities with the world hunger crisis.
Reburger is good start, but corporations are behind non-profits in providing nutritious foodstuffs. “Plumpynut” is a substance that is created and promoted by the socialist organization “Doctors without Borders”. Plumpynut is first, cheap to create, and second, it addresses the food crisis. These are two things corporations can’t abide. And we shouldn’t let socialist doctors control the means to production and steal profits from the mouths of agribus and producers of processed foods.
Plumpynut is a remarkably simple concoction: it is basically made of peanut butter, powdered milk, powdered sugar, and enriched with vitamins and minerals. It tastes like a peanut butter paste. It is very sweet, and because of that kids cannot get enough of it.
One thing we can do to stop these non-profits from providing a free lunch to the starving of the world is to buy up shares of the ingredients to these Plumpynut concoctions and any other possible combination of ingredients. We can also call on the true heroes of agribus, Monsanto, to buy up all the patents on peanut genes and make a genetically modified version so that any person who wants to plant peanuts must buy it from them. As President of Tex Shelters Industries, I have already started buying peanut futures in order to profit off Plumpynut. We must do everything we can to make starvation a profit center.
I have also ordered the Tex Shelters labs to come up with food substitutes using packing peanuts as a base as well as utilizing other American waste to feed the poor of the world. Again, I will call on my friends in waste management for assistance in this noble cause.
Another area we have yet to fully exploit is prison labor. That is why with a newly repatriated House of Representatives (controlled by Republicans, of course) I have renewed my push for the Chinese Free Labor Exchange Act (C-FLEA). In this trade pact, we exchange prisoners for goods and services and a reduction in our trade deficit. It’s a win-win proposal.
The Chinese can reeducate these prisoners, something they are good at, and put them to work. We can send them an endless supply of prisoners for their factories, something we are adept at incarcerating. I am sure Jan Brewer with her contacts with Corrections Corporations of America (link) can help me push this plan. Perhaps we could help her get rid of those pesky immigrants in the bargain.
Please call Jan Brewer and your congress to support the Chinese Free Labor Exchange Act.
Telephone (602) 542-4331
Toll Free 1-(800) 253-0883 (within Arizona only)
Please call and urge the White House, your Senator or Representative to sponsor the CFLEA:
CO/ The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Northwest
Washington, DC 20500-0004
or phone: (202) 456-1414
Or send note online: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact
Congressional switchboard 800-828-0498
Just ask for the office of your Senator or Representative
House of Representatives: http://www.house.gov/house/house_comments.shtml