The Four Horsemen of the Budgetopolypse: If Republicans Were Planning your Household Budget

In Current Events, Economics on April 5, 2011 at 23:36

Representative Paul Ryan has come forth with the Republican budget plan for 2012.

Imagine you had an extended family household with Granny, kids, mother, father, teens, a dog, a cat and so forth. You have compiled some debt and you need to cut back. Along come the four housemen of the budgetopolypse riding in their renaissance swordsmen garb, to help you out.

The Republicans' "Path to Prosperity" budget

From Politico http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0411/52557.html

Riding over petunias as in the front yard, they dismount and proclaim the budget as follows:

Paul Ryan (reaching into his Italian doublet for his budgetary scroll and reading): I proclaim that we will cut your costs by over $6 trillion in ten years.

John Boehner: Here, here brother Ryan!

Eric Cantor and Rand Paul (raising full length gloved hands): Hazzah!

They burst into the family Schwartman’s house to examine the family’s expenses.

Ryan (pointing at the slumped over, sleeping figure in the rocking chair): First, we must put this slagard to work. Your grandmother is not old enough to retire and she can still stand, with a walker. And those pain killers for her eighty years of labor and hard work, they will no longer be covered under Medicaid.

Cantor, Paul and Boehner in unison while waving their swords in the air: We must cut, cut!

Cantor, hand to ear: Hark, I hear a cry from the aft chamber. (He rushes off and reappears holding a baby with two hands, shoving him at the parents) And how do you expect to pay for THIS!

(The parents start to cry)

Cantor, sneering: You shouldn’t have had a baby if you can’t afford one.

Paul: They can’t, brother Cantor. We must cut this out of their budget! Remember, debt is a sin, and we must rid ourselves of the unnecessary expenses, such as babies.

Ryan, lifting a cover off a basket to reveal a half chewed loaf of hard bread: What is THIS?! You are holding back from your overlords who own the title on this hovel you call a (air quotes, sneering) “hooooooome”. We must confiscate this for the overlords for they pay too much in taxes, unlike you lazy welfare serfs. (Ryan takes a bite and puts the bread somewhere in his doublet.) Sheriff Koch of Nutty-sham will hear about this!

Father: But kind sirs, I voted for you and your Republi-clan, can you not take pity on my family. It was the Koch brothers who moved my job overseas and now I have no work. I rely on you feudal lords for help. Don’t cut that.

Boehner to Paul who has quill in hand: Good idea, cut unemployment insurance back, better yet, give his states’ feudal rulers the money to dole out to his supporters as he wishes. Check with Sheriff Koch of Nutty-sham first. (To Cantor) Now off with you, and take that baby to the convent on your way out.

(Cantor exits with baby)

Ryan, looking at a ledger, to the parents: It says here that you have a daughter of birthing age, bring her forth!
(The mother, shaking, presents the daughter. Paul goes into the daughter’s room to look around.)

Ryan: It says here that your daughter, Hygenia, failed to make advancements on her latest standardized, McGraw-Hill approved assessments. (looking at the parents). We can no longer keep teaching her at the state’s expense. She is a burden we can’t afford.

Paul, from off stage in the daughter’s chamber: Aha! (rushing out). What have we here (holding up a condom accusingly), cellophane wrapped drugs or something? (he shoves it in Hygenia’s face).

Hygenia: That’s a condom you git.

Ryan: Don’t talk back to your betters you foul-mouthed wench! (To Paul). Yes, it’s a condom, you know what we must do now.

Boehner, reading from a legal pad: Article 1984 of the reproductive code states that no white woman shall use prophylaxis or other form of reproductive control, lest she be punished with forced birthing or other appropriate measures.

Hygenia, defiantly: But the overlords don’t want me to have an abortion; I have to protect myself. What, you want me to be, a nun?

Ryan (quickly): Good idea, off to the nunnery with you!

(Paul takes Hygenia off stage).

Mother (pleading): But what does birth control have to do with the budget?

Ryan (in snotty tone): We can’t waste money on the unwashed poor babies, can we? And the thousands of dollars spent for the death camps for children called Planned Parenthood, that won’t do. Why should we help the poor and undeserving plan their families for their own selfish convenience?

Boehner: I notice you have no pictures of Jesus, our savior, on your walls. You must be socialists. (Making a note on his pad) Assess a religious tax on the home of the Schwartzmans for not taking Jesus as their savior.

Mr. Schwartzman: We will call on Obama-hood of D.C.Locksley. He will make you all pay for what you have done, the wars, the thievery from the hard working poor…

Boehner and Ryan, look at each other, pause, and start laughing loudly: Ha, ha, ha…

Ryan, still amused: Obama-hood? He won’t come to save you. He’s off collecting money from his merry men for reelection. (pointing at the Schwartzmans) He has no time for the likes of you!

Ryan, Pulling the faucet off the kitchen sink as he exits: You won’t be needing this any longer. Now back to work!!

The Schwartzmans make incredulous faces that say, “what work?”

Fade to black

Why were the deficits under our former President Bush not an issue for Republicans?

Representative Ryan’s editorial on the Republican budget

The Republican budget would decrease the top tax bracket 29% from 35% to 25%. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/05/paul-ryan-budget-analysis-numbers_n_844946.html

Highlights of the GOP plan:
• Starting in 2022, new Medicare beneficiaries would choose a private health plan, and the federal government would subsidize the cost. Low-income recipients and those with greater health risks would get extra help. The approach is modeled after Medicare’s prescription drug program.

• Medicaid, the federal-state health program for the poor, would be turned into a block grant to states, just as welfare was in 1996, and cut by $750 billion over the decade. Similar changes would be made to the federal food stamps program, and housing programs for the poor would be transformed to emphasize work.

• Domestic programs would be reduced below 2008 levels for the next five years. That’s a lower threshold, for a longer period of time, than the cuts Obama proposed in February. What about inflation?

• Defense would be cut by $78 billion — $100 billion less than the cuts recommended by Defense Secretary Robert Gates.

•Federal workers would endure a five-year pay freeze, compared to Obama’s two-year freeze. The workforce would be reduced by 10% through attrition.

•New spending caps would be instituted, enforced by the threat of automatic, across-the-board cuts. This approach was used in the 1980s and ’90s to help reduce deficits.

“Americans truly face a monumental choice — a choice that can no longer be avoided,” the GOP budget says. “This generation’s defining moment has arrived.”


There are other ways to address the budget, like raising taxes, eliminating offshore corporate status and other tax loopholes, and cutting into the military budget while ending the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

But it’s not really about the budget is it; it’s about taking down the social safety net.

Ezra Klein on budget’s harm to elderly, disabled and the poor.

Tex Shelters

  1. Thanks Leeza. That Joe is one smart hombre.

    Tex Shelters

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