Every Day, I’m More Gay

In Current Events, Humor on July 25, 2011 at 18:11

Ever since Ellen Degeneres got married in 2008, I have felt the gayness creep up on me. If teachers can promote sexuality in the class room, imagine what a hot gyrating Ellen Degeneres can do to our innocent young girls and promote gay, man on man, sex.

No matter how matter times I read the passage from Leviticus 20:13, “‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads”,  I feel more and more gay with every passing day. I, of course, blame liberals.

Like the destruction of a horcrux, each gay marriage makes me weaker. And it’s gotten worse with the marriages in New York pushing me to the edge.

I try to think of my role models in the heterosexual community, Ronald Reagan (twice married), Newt Gingrich (thrice married), and Mark Foley, a good family man who was entrapped into sending sexual emails to male interns for ten years, but has of course repented to god and thus is my hero. And let’s not forget the writer of Cat Scratch Fever  and arch-conservative, Ted Nugent. “He has had two wives and has eight children, including three out of wedlock in two liaisons almost 30 years apart.” If Ted Nugent can’t keep me straight, no one can.

But nothing has worked. I realized that the “gay life style” that I am supposed to be afraid of has been creeping up on me my whole life. One of the first albums I bought as a child was by Elton John. Imagine my surprise when just a couple of years ago I learned that he had married, a man! But that must be his former wife’s fault, right ladies?   If you can’t keep your man straight, you are not running a true Christian household.

Then I learned from rapper Ja Rule that MTV promotes homosexuality. I watched that station way back when it exclusively played music videos. My crush on early VJ Julie Brown must have been my attempt to cover as straight. I see it all now; love of music is gay.

Then another shocking revelation came my way when I learned that Freddy Mercury was a gay man the whole time I was listening to his music and watching his videos, on MTV! Imagine a band named “Queen” having homosexual members in it. Who would have known?

The latest signs I’m turning gay are frightening. One horrific sign is that I watched the Tony Awards, and I enjoyed it! Yes, I know Broadway is not just for gays any more, but it’s the gayt way drug to homosexuality. And I didn’t vomit at the sight of Neil Patrick Harris as all straight men should.

If that doesn’t prove I’m coming under the influence of gays and becoming more tolerant, I don’t know what does. But there’s hope for all of us who might become gay despite what a passage in a book of fiction written over two-thousand years ago and re-written multiple times to suit the political ambitions of the rich and powerful says is damnation.

First, we have the Bachman family to save us. If all is lost, I can go to Marcus Bachman, the husband of Michelle Bachman, for help. He has written about the homosexual agenda, to entertain us into being gay, and councils Christians on being straight. l He knows how harmful being gay can be for people like him who hate themselves. He knows that if you are going to fight being gay, you must learn to scorn homosexuality irrationally.

If it gets bad, I can move to Colorado Springs and join excommunicated Ted Haggard in his new church. Sure, he was kicked out of his ministry after he solicited sex from a male prostitute, but he has repented. I need the kind of role model that can break their own tenets, sin, and still come out smelling like less than shit. I am sure Haggard will help me so I don’t stray too far.

Thank god that there are plenty of people that ignore psychiatric and medical findings and think that homosexuality is an illness. Thus, there are plenty of places I can go to “remove the inclination for same sex attraction for LGBT people through talking.”

There are also many Catholic, Christian and other orthodox churches from Jewish to Islamic that condemn homosexuality, so I can always go to one of these if I feel gay and need to be put in my place. Better yet, I could move to Saudi Arabia where I could be arrested for showing signs of gayness. Now that’s a deterrent.

With role models, social deterrents, and god’s help, I might pull through and remain as people say god intended, despite the cuteness of Neil Patrick Harris.

Good link that debunks reparative therapy and warns us of the dangers:

Tex Shelters

  1. I could give a detailed explanation of what and why the passages from Leviticus do not reflect the ideals of Judaism or Christianity in the modern day. . . but instead I’ll just say “LOL!”

    Yes, I couldn’t really care any less what two consenting adults do, or if they are officially or unofficially married to one another. It has no bearing on my life – as I’m rather single, and un threatened by gayness.

    That being said – I do think that there is a gay agenda on television, but perhaps the fact that I only watch Major league baseball on tv precludes me from being the most proficient authority on such matters. Everything on tv that isn’t baseball disgusts me.

    I’ve never really understood the. . ..issue here at all. I don’t know why people have the time to worry or hate others that aren’t bothering them. Shouldn’t they all be out there making the world safe for corporate profits, or something?

    • “unthreatened…” Wow – did you tell on your intolerance!

      “Gay agenda?” Then you recuse yourself. So why say the (damn stupid) thing to begin with?

      Gay agenda? O, yeah, you’re the “Jew agenda” maven! Figures!

      • Leeza,

        I take Wes at his word, that he doesn’t give a damn. He is pretty libertarian that way.

        And yes, the Jewish agenda on television is to make money, which happens to be the Irish and Scottish agenda as well. It’s just that the Irish are drunk when they do it and the Scottish are penny pinchers, ha ha.

        Tex Shelters

    • Wes,

      Ha ha. Agreed. The gay agenda on television is making money, and happens to be the straight agenda too.

      Go Giants!

      Tex Shelters

  2. I swear, by Ann Coulter’s Adam’s apple, that, growing up, until I had left my parents’ influence, I had no idea there was supposed to be any kind of issue associated with being a lesbian or gay.

    • Luckily, my dad was more about labor and the Democrats and my mom doesn’t give a damn. And, I was lucky enough to know my two gay cousins who helped me realize that it didn’t matter at all who people were attracted to.

      Tex Shelters

  3. forgive me tex, for i have sinned. you see, i had fried shrimp with my steak tonight. i’m pretty sure leviticus has something to say about that. tell me again why gay marriage is something that the “small government” crowd is so threatened by?

    • UJ,

      Ha ha. Yes, you sinner. I am wearing cotton/ polyester blended socks, so I am sure burning in hell.

      The small business crowd is worried that sales of tacky brides maids dresses will go down you see, and that will hurt all small businesses, plus, people will have to start buying “gay insurance” against the gay that might over take them.


      Tex Shelters

  4. Don’t forget the Gay Baby Stewie and the Bestiality Loving Peg from Family Guy.

    IDK Tex TV is pretty twisted these days.

    I remember growing up to Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Tom and Jerry and the Road Runner.

    That said I could care less if you want to let your gayness out.. To me Marriage is a Religious Ceremony not a contract.
    Gay marriage is a non issue for me and I just wish government would get out of something it has no business in. If you’re gay get married in a gay friendly church, if not than one of more conservative churches are available. If you just want a piece of paper saying you are legally tied to someone medaling in your life and who is able to take half of everything you worked for than you can do that in court with a simple contract. I got married for the 2nd time a few years back lived with the girl for 14 years before I did it again and even than I insisted on a Pre-nup.

    BTW Queen sucked, I was a fan of AC/DC and Similar Bands growing up, also was a fan if the Blues too.

    (Does saying queen and sucked in the same sentence make me gay?)

    I think I may need therapy, or maybe just a Priest.

    • Jake,

      I think Queen sucked in some ways, and I liked their music. ha ha.

      Yeah, it’s a piece of paper, but listening to New Yorkers on the radio talking about visits to the hospital, wills, health benefits, even issues with hotel rooms, life will be easier in some ways for those that have the legal marriage.

      I’m a Zeppelin fan myself, meaning I like AC/DC but not Poison, yuck yuck. And THE CLASH!

      Tex Shelters

      • Of everything you have listed as problems health benefits might be the only legit one. Hospital? Come on, no one has ever heard of a Power of Attorney? Will? If you make one out and are of sound mind it will be honored especially if you aren’t married. If you are married your spouse can actually contest your last wishes. Hotel Rooms? Come on Tex, In the 50’s motels would ask to see luggage of a heterosexual couple so they would seem respectable. I’ve never heard of any prohibition against two guys or two women renting a room. Business people share rooms all the time to save money, If I ever rent a cabin and take one of my friends with me fishing or hunting we have never had a issue or when I would drive OTR I would share a room with another driver just to get out of our trucks for awhile. BTW, at 48 years old I’ve never been asked for a marriage certificate nor luggage when renting a room with any one of my many women friends over the years whether the room was for the weekend or just a few hours. Zeppelin was cool. As was ZZ Top, Tom Petty, Alice Cooper and Pink Floyd. Poison to me was like queen, garbage,

        • Still, even with power of attorney, people have been refused visits to their same sex partner is some parts of the country, and obviously not others.

          I have also heard stories of gay male couples being refused a single bed room in a hotel, but that was from the past. Clever people can get around it and find the right places to stay, you’re correct.

          Floyd is top 5 with Zeppelin in my book. And Cooper’s “Billion Dollar Babies” is one of the best rock albums of all time.

          Tex Shelters

  5. i gotta admit, i was suprised when rob halford came out of the closet. of course, knowing what i know now, the studs and leather take on a whole new context now. personally, i’m against ANY kind of marriage.

  6. UJ,

    Yes, that is a surprise, seriously. Marriage is an outdated institution, really.


    Tex Shelters

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