Rick Perry, Death, and Hypocrisy

In Current Events, Economics, Humor on September 14, 2011 at 00:15

In 1989, Rick Perry gets the fateful call of duty. Perry picks up the phone as the clock strikes midnight.

Perry: Hello?

Death: Rick.

Perry: Who is this?

Death: Death

Perry: Come on, who is this, Larry? Larry from A&M?

Death: It’s death.

Perry: (mocking) Okay Larry…death, what do ya want?

Death: You looked hot in that Hitler uniform in college. Reminds me of the good old days back in Germany…

Perry: Wha…?

Death (continues): much hotter than that cheerleading costume…

Perry: Who IS this?

Death:  You show real potential, but your going to have to leave the Democratic party to realize it. Remember when you killed those ants with the magnifying glass. I could sense the real joy you felt in your heart giving those ants what they deserve. And that time at the funeral of House Speaker Sam Rayburn of your home state, you so wanted the power over life and death.  Life and death is my area of expertise, but you felt that yearning.

Perry: Yes.

Death: I want to help you realize your full potential. I want to put you in the Governor’s mansion in Texas to ensure those on death row die.

Perry: (Excited, like he watching ants die) Yes.

Death: (Smiling inside) Yes. I have some other missions for you. First, you must leave the Democratic party and join the party of Death, the Gravediggers Own Party. Sure, I work with Democrats as well, but with them, it’s always compromise. If I have to kill a few million in Cambodia, can I at least “save some starving Africans”.

Perry: And if I change to Republican, you can help me get in the Governors Mansion?

Death: I would kill to have someone like you running Texas, ha ha, in fact I will kill. And if you heed my words, perhaps even the White House is in the offing.

Forward to February 13 to February 14, 2004. Perry is up late reading an evidence report. The curtains in his den billow out, and Perry sees a ghostly shape he hasn’t seen since his successful election for Governor. Death appears to Perry.

Death: Hello Rick. You know what to do with the evidence exonerating Cameron Todd Willingham, correct?  Besides, what do scientists know about fire that I don’t know. Accidental or not, he still started that fire, and…(waiting for Perry to finish his sentence)

Perry: …he deserves to die. (on his knees) Yes my lord. I must ignore the evidence, ignore science, ignore the capital punishment statute, and have faith in you. But how do you know the fire wasn’t intentional?

Death: (in a threatening tone) I WAS THERE. Remember, I am death.

Perry: But you want me to kill Willingham anyway?

Death: Yes, death always wants death, as should you. Besides it’s his time. God told me (chuckles to himself).

Perry: And then you’ll let me be President.

Death: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I already have the deal with Bush in place. So, are you a man of science, or a man of faith. Be careful how you answer.

Perry: My faith in you got me elected to office…

At that moment, Perry’s wife Anita comes into the room and interrupts.

Anita: Rick, you okay. Who are you talking to?

Perry: (surprise, but making a quick recovery) Uh, yes, just praying.

A couple of years later Death makes an impromptu visit to Perry while he is cleaning his favorite Colt 45.

Death: Hello Rick. (Perry jumps) Good job making cuts to the health care system. Texas will now have the lowest rate of insured in the nation. You make me proud. And as you know, less insured people means they will die an early death.

Perry: Well, we can’t afford…

Death: Cut the crap Rick. You did it because it makes our buddies, the plagues of conservatism, happy. And it quickens the apocalypse, which we can both agree will be a great day.

Perry: Yes. (Perry looks around the garage to make sure his wife isn’t looking on).

Death: And good job on those gun regulations, especially the guns on campus bill. That should get me a few new costumers soon. Here’s hoping. You’ve done such a good job keeping those executions rolling that I have an idea to make the state money I’ll pass along to you. It’s called dead peasants insurance. I suggest you start with insuring teachers, since they will soon have guns in their class rooms. You take out life insurance on them, and when they die, for whatever reason, the insurance goes to the state. I can help with the death, by the way.

Perry: I’ll get right on it. Thank you lord. Get life insurance for the teachers, then cash in. Only death could come up with a plan like that.

Death: One more thing. I love that Texas miracle. Low wage jobs for everyone! Low wages, low health, no insurance and high deaths. And the people believe the economy is gangbusters in Texas, but we both know that Texas undercuts the other states for those minimum wage jobs and avoids those terrible life affirming unions. (death smiles his boney grin) You make me so happy Rick.

Death meets Perry backstage at the Republican debate in 2011.

Death: Remember, I will be in your head, so when they ask you the tough questions about the capital punishment, I’ll be right there with you.

Perry: And I’m here for you lord.

Herb Cain catches Perry in contemplation.

Cain: It’s alway good to call on your lord in times of stress, like I do when I pray about what to do with Muslims.

Death laughs.

At the Republican Debate at Reagan Library, Rick Perry stood up for death. When asked about all the people he allowed to be executed by the state of Texas,“In the state of Texas, our citizens have made that decision…and they don’t want you to commit those crimes against our citizens, and if you do, you will face the ultimate justice.”

After the debate, Governor Perry tweets death: “Thanks for the hand out there, oh lord.”

Death tweets back: “Any time my son.”

Less than a week later at the Tampa Tea Party debate, death whispers into Ron Paul’s ear, “we can’t help everyone, that’s the risk people take when they don’t buy healthcare…”


More Rick Perry’s Death and Hypocrisy.

Rick Perry’s George Bush Moment

Perry’s Death Penalty Cover-up

“The first word spoken from the moon was ‘Houston’”

Perry has taken federal disaster aid 13 times, more than any other state

Worker deaths, poor living conditions in Perry’s Texas

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Texas ties with Mississippi for the highest percentage of workers in minimum wage jobs.

Uneven growth throughout the state

Tex Shelters

  1. That’s really good, Tex. Perry sounding more and more like a character in a Stephen King novel.

  2. Temy,

    I have to laugh at that. I see what you mean. I guess King rubs off on us all in these troubled times.


    Tex Shelters

  3. Houston, we’ve got a problem.

  4. Hey there, Tex. Trying to catch up with your blogs. Been busier than ever in the land of thrown-away children now that we’ve got a Texan immigrant for guv in my state.

    (No offense to you, personally, but it’s a crying shame we aren’t allowed to establish checkpoints on the borders where our most dangerous immigrants sneak into my state–from the east and west, NOT the south.)

    Here’s are some other bits on Perry’s relationship with Death…



    If Molly Ivins were still with us, I’m quite certain she’d be reminding us:

    “‘The next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president, please pay attention!”

    Alas, as an anonymous poster recently said on some website I was passing through, “President Obama is so smart, he’s got us cheering for Republican policies!”

    So I guess–unless we can get someone to primary him–we’ll have the choice of being driven over the cliff of complete neofeudalism by a Republican-in-Democratic-Party-clothing at a steady pace or by one of the overtly venal and insane Republicans, at breathtaking speed… Sigh.

  5. Little Sun,

    I figured you have been working harder than every. I am sure that the immigrant problem in New Mexico is ruining your state.

    Not that Arizona doesn’t have an immigrant problem, Mormons from Indiana, money from Kansas for anti-Mexican laws disguised as immigration control, etc. But at this point, we are that here.

    I can’t think of any terrible immigrants from New Mexico, so you win this one, ha ha.

    Yes, Obama is going to send us off the precipice too, but he’ll do it with style and better grammar.

    And let’s give an assist to all the conservatadems. Yea team.

    Our only possible hope is if Progressives unite with moderates and fight Obama’s agenda, but with the two party monopoly, I don’t see enough Democrats breaking with Obama.

    Thanks for stopping by.

    Tex Shelters

  6. Cute story Tex but to me I never got the whole idea of a governor or president having the power to commute a sentence or pardon a criminal. First a Jury of 12 (citizens who are registered to vote) passes judgment on him a Judge oversees the whole thing, the Process is open to the public too. Than the 12 or the Judge hands down the punishment approved by the people of the state. Then it goes to a few appellate courts on up to the supreme court. When it’s all said and done a few people pull the switch or push a button to carry out the ultimate punishment. Now how is it the Governor of a state the only one responsible for the charring out the sentence of death in killing the prisoner? Why would the Governor or President even be given the power to stop it? Now I watched the debate the other day and it was funny to me, hell Perry was being attacked from the right of him and form the left of him and came across to me as a moderate voice in the circus. Better get used to the sound of President Perry Tex, it’s coming and the special election in NYC was just the latest of warning bells for the left. Romney may pick up Huntsman’s 1% of primary voters when he drops out. What happens to the other candidates supporters? Well they’ll go to Perry of course. Paul’s supporters won’t go to anyone they would never vote for anyone but Paul, they’re a bunch of conspiracy loons who will just go back to their mother’s basement to smoke another bowl and sing the praises of Paul while watching Alex Jones vids.

    • You would be the first to point out that President Perry will make no difference compared to President Obama.

      While that’s not complete true, on war and the economy it looks like Obama is copying Bush.

      Those are good questions about the death penalty, and I think it’s important to keep the appeals process because humans make mistakes.

      Tex Shelters

      • I never said Perry and Obama are the same. I just said he was being attacked by Romney/Huntsman (Left) and Bachmann, Santorum on the right. I’m specifically talking about the fuss over the HPV Vaccine. They were saying the parents where being forced which is untrue because anyone can opt out for any vaccinations on personal or religious grounds (It just takes signing a piece of paper). Also you don’t have to be sexually pernicious to catch HPV. My step sister had 2 partners in her life caught hpv with the first in the 80’s nobody knew much then. She got Cervical Cancer had to have a hysterectomy. Her 24 year old daughter now has cervical cancer from the HPV Virus that was passed from Mother to Daughter (she was born with it). Bachmann is a loon who will never get elected, she should shut her mouth on issues she has no knowledge about. By her falsely saying the vaccine causes Mental Retardation she may have just cost 1000’s of innocent young women their lives.

  7. Jake,

    Thanks for the information about the virus. It confirms what I thought.

    And people don’t suddenly become retarded at the age of 12.

    Tex Shelters

  8. Actually, people can suffer from mental retardation starting at any age, and it can be caused by many factors but the HPV Vaccine isn’t one of them. Anyway, Bachmann is still a loon and my opinion of her hasn’t changed one bit. She is now on the list of people I would never vote for (President Obama, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul and Michelle Bachmann).

  9. Jake,

    Good list. I am still wondering about Obama, but I don’t see a reason to vote for him right now.

    Isn’t “retardation” a genetic disease, and perhaps, mental defects would be what you can develop with environmental poisons.

    Tex Shelters

    • Actually the medical definition pertains to someone who develops it in childhood. That said very similar things happen to adults A high Fever can cause it, If for some reason your brain gets the oxygen supply cut off for too long it can cause Mental Retardation. In fact allot of kids are born with mental retardation because they lacked sufficient oxygen after being born.


      Now while the Medical field doesn’t use the term for the same thing developing in adulthood the end result is the same whether caused by dementia, a high fever or the oxygen levels being to low for too long.

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