Note: I have updated this article and am re-posting it in the hope that people will listen this time!
Now that the plans for the invasion of Iran have been finalized in our Republican Congress, with Hillary Clinton adding her amped-up rhetoric, the State Department has hired me to come up with the next benefactor of U.S. Democracy. I have decided on the perfect location for our troops: France. This time, we will be ready to invade at the least provocation. And the French like to be provocative, so it won’t take long. We will call this war, “Operation French Fried Freedom.”
With a grant from the Center for Real Atomic Power (C.R.A.P.), a division of TexCoInc LLC, I have written promotional material and talking points for our return to the beaches of Normandy. This time we will be liberating the French– from themselves! There are many reasons we should invade the brie eaters:
1. The French are uncooperative. They weren’t willing to invade Iraq with the coalition of the willing in 2003. They don’t even have the same time as us; when it’s morning in America (8 AM in D.C.) it’s afternoon in Paris, France (2 PM). How dare they!
2. We musts take over their nuclear power generating capacity. They export $3 billion dollars worth of nuclear energy every year. While we never invade a country because of our energy needs, in this case, we would make an exception.
3. France not only has WMDs such as nuclear weapons, they also have Weapons of Gay Creation, or WGCs. These gay bombs would turn the target population gay upon impact, and thus, ruin the will to fight of the enemy forces. The United States and Arab nations are especially vulnerable to such a gay attack while the French troops would be immune to its affects. We must stop this WGC creating nation before they launch their missiles at us.
4. Food of Mass Corpulence or FMCs. The French have been trying to kill us with their fatty foods and cheeses for years. We must invade and force them to cook reduced fat meals.
5. The French are arrogant and think they’re better than everyone. Ha! In the U.S. we know we are number one and better than the French at everything, except for that stinky soccer. Moreover, we are not arrogant about being better than everyone like the French are, we just know it. Our invasion will wipe those smug smiles off their faces.
6. They are not as Christian as we are. France is full of atheists like Michel Onfray who want to destroy our way of life. If they don’t like God in France, we will have to kill them to show them how Christian we are.
7. The French kowtow to Muslims who have Mosques in France and plan prayer meetings. The French just don’t arrest them enough or burn enough Qurans. Allowing Muslims free speech and religion is un-American.
8. Their president, Nicolas Sarkozy, mocks our manhood and the sanctity of marriage by marrying a former supermodel and current singer, Carla Bruni.
9. Their government run medical system threatens our way of life by successfully treating their citizens.
10. The French have more sex than other people. And as we have learned from our Republican leaders, sex is bad and requires, I hate to say, contraception! Moreover, they offer contraception to women with their universal HEALTH CARE! If we invade them, they will stop bragging about sex and have more to worry about.
11. They have lost the last big wars they were in, so it will be no problem invading them. Really, take it from me, I know these things. Like other great Republicans such as Dick Cheney and George W. Bush, I have never been to war or in the military, and that best positions me, from a distance, to make decisions about sending other people’s children overseas to die.
12. We must make the world safe for Hollywood movies by invading France and eliminating their film industry. We will start by destroying all copies of French New Wave “classics” such as Jules et Jim and eliminate all traces of Godard’s Breathless. The Richard Gere version was better and more American anyway.
13. The French poodle is obviously a weaponized dog of terror.
We could easily reconvene the “coalition of the willing” we had in Iraq and for Iran and add new members. We can count on England once more. They are still fuming over the Norman (French) invasion of England in 1066 and could occupy the beaches of Normandy after the invasion as payback. Of course the United States would control the airport and the green zone around Paris.
Please join me in supporting the surge into France during Romney’s first term after we declare “mission accomplished” in Iran. With you, and help from C.R.A.P., we can get it done.
If you disagree, remember, the reasons for invading France are as truthful and logical as the reasons for invading Iraq, Afghanistan, or Iran.