Posts Tagged ‘gay’

After Iran, We Go After The Dangerous French

In Current Events, History, Humor on March 2, 2012 at 20:16


Note: I have updated this article and am re-posting it in the hope that people will listen this time!

Dear Patriots,

Now that the plans for the invasion of Iran have been finalized in our Republican Congress, with Hillary Clinton adding her amped-up rhetoric,  the State Department has hired me to come up with the next benefactor of U.S. Democracy. I have decided on the perfect location for our troops: France. This time, we will be ready to invade at the least provocation. And the French like to be provocative, so it won’t take long. We will call this war, “Operation French Fried Freedom.”

With a grant from the Center for Real Atomic Power (C.R.A.P.), a division of TexCoInc LLC, I have written promotional material and talking points for our return to the beaches of Normandy.  This time we will be liberating the French– from themselves! There are many reasons we should invade the brie eaters:

1.   The French are uncooperative. They weren’t willing to invade Iraq with the coalition of the willing in 2003. They don’t even have the same time as us; when it’s morning in America (8 AM in D.C.) it’s afternoon in Paris, France (2 PM). How dare they!

2.   We musts take over their nuclear power generating capacity.  They export $3 billion dollars worth of nuclear energy every year. While we never invade a country because of our energy needs, in this case, we would make an exception.

3.   France not only has WMDs such as nuclear weapons, they also have Weapons of Gay Creation, or WGCs. These gay bombs would turn the target population gay upon impact, and thus, ruin the will to fight of the enemy forces. The United States and Arab nations are especially vulnerable to such a gay attack while the French troops would be immune to its affects. We must stop this WGC creating nation before they launch their missiles at us.

4.   Food of Mass Corpulence or FMCs. The French have been trying to kill us with their fatty foods and cheeses for years. We must invade and force them to cook reduced fat meals.

5.   The French are arrogant and think they’re better than everyone. Ha! In the U.S. we know we are number one and better than the French at everything, except for that stinky soccer. Moreover, we are not arrogant about being better than everyone like the French are, we just know it. Our invasion will wipe those smug smiles off their faces.

6.   They are not as Christian as we are. France is full of atheists like Michel Onfray who want to destroy our way of life. If they don’t like God in France, we will have to kill them to show them how Christian we are.

7.   The French kowtow to Muslims who have Mosques in France and plan prayer meetings. The French just don’t arrest them enough or burn enough Qurans. Allowing Muslims free speech and religion is un-American.

8.   Their president, Nicolas Sarkozy, mocks our manhood and the sanctity of marriage by marrying a former supermodel and current singer, Carla Bruni.

9.   Their government run medical system threatens our way of life by successfully treating their citizens.

10. The French have more sex than other people.  And as we have learned from our Republican leaders, sex is bad and requires, I hate to say, contraception! Moreover, they offer contraception to women with their universal HEALTH CARE! If we invade them, they will stop bragging about sex and have more to worry about.

11. They have lost the last big wars they were in, so it will be no problem invading them. Really, take it from me, I know these things. Like other great Republicans such as Dick Cheney and George W. Bush, I have never been to war or in the military, and that best positions me, from a distance, to make decisions about sending other people’s children overseas to die.

12. We must make the world safe for Hollywood movies by invading France and eliminating their film industry. We will start by destroying all copies of French New Wave “classics” such as Jules et Jim and eliminate all traces of Godard’s Breathless. The Richard Gere version was better and more American anyway.

13. The French poodle is obviously a weaponized dog of terror.

We could easily reconvene the “coalition of the willing” we had in Iraq and for Iran and add new members. We can count on England once more. They are still fuming over the Norman (French) invasion of England in 1066 and could occupy the beaches of Normandy after the invasion as payback. Of course the United States would control the airport and the green zone around Paris.

Please join me in supporting the surge into France during Romney’s first term after we declare “mission accomplished” in Iran. With you, and help from C.R.A.P., we can get it done.

If you disagree, remember, the reasons for invading France are as truthful and logical as the reasons for invading Iraq, Afghanistan, or Iran.

Tex Shelters

Every Day, I’m More Gay

In Current Events, Humor on July 25, 2011 at 18:11

Ever since Ellen Degeneres got married in 2008, I have felt the gayness creep up on me. If teachers can promote sexuality in the class room, imagine what a hot gyrating Ellen Degeneres can do to our innocent young girls and promote gay, man on man, sex.

No matter how matter times I read the passage from Leviticus 20:13, “‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads”,  I feel more and more gay with every passing day. I, of course, blame liberals.

Like the destruction of a horcrux, each gay marriage makes me weaker. And it’s gotten worse with the marriages in New York pushing me to the edge.

I try to think of my role models in the heterosexual community, Ronald Reagan (twice married), Newt Gingrich (thrice married), and Mark Foley, a good family man who was entrapped into sending sexual emails to male interns for ten years, but has of course repented to god and thus is my hero. And let’s not forget the writer of Cat Scratch Fever  and arch-conservative, Ted Nugent. “He has had two wives and has eight children, including three out of wedlock in two liaisons almost 30 years apart.” If Ted Nugent can’t keep me straight, no one can.

But nothing has worked. I realized that the “gay life style” that I am supposed to be afraid of has been creeping up on me my whole life. One of the first albums I bought as a child was by Elton John. Imagine my surprise when just a couple of years ago I learned that he had married, a man! But that must be his former wife’s fault, right ladies?   If you can’t keep your man straight, you are not running a true Christian household.

Then I learned from rapper Ja Rule that MTV promotes homosexuality. I watched that station way back when it exclusively played music videos. My crush on early VJ Julie Brown must have been my attempt to cover as straight. I see it all now; love of music is gay.

Then another shocking revelation came my way when I learned that Freddy Mercury was a gay man the whole time I was listening to his music and watching his videos, on MTV! Imagine a band named “Queen” having homosexual members in it. Who would have known?

The latest signs I’m turning gay are frightening. One horrific sign is that I watched the Tony Awards, and I enjoyed it! Yes, I know Broadway is not just for gays any more, but it’s the gayt way drug to homosexuality. And I didn’t vomit at the sight of Neil Patrick Harris as all straight men should.

If that doesn’t prove I’m coming under the influence of gays and becoming more tolerant, I don’t know what does. But there’s hope for all of us who might become gay despite what a passage in a book of fiction written over two-thousand years ago and re-written multiple times to suit the political ambitions of the rich and powerful says is damnation.

First, we have the Bachman family to save us. If all is lost, I can go to Marcus Bachman, the husband of Michelle Bachman, for help. He has written about the homosexual agenda, to entertain us into being gay, and councils Christians on being straight. l He knows how harmful being gay can be for people like him who hate themselves. He knows that if you are going to fight being gay, you must learn to scorn homosexuality irrationally.

If it gets bad, I can move to Colorado Springs and join excommunicated Ted Haggard in his new church. Sure, he was kicked out of his ministry after he solicited sex from a male prostitute, but he has repented. I need the kind of role model that can break their own tenets, sin, and still come out smelling like less than shit. I am sure Haggard will help me so I don’t stray too far.

Thank god that there are plenty of people that ignore psychiatric and medical findings and think that homosexuality is an illness. Thus, there are plenty of places I can go to “remove the inclination for same sex attraction for LGBT people through talking.”

There are also many Catholic, Christian and other orthodox churches from Jewish to Islamic that condemn homosexuality, so I can always go to one of these if I feel gay and need to be put in my place. Better yet, I could move to Saudi Arabia where I could be arrested for showing signs of gayness. Now that’s a deterrent.

With role models, social deterrents, and god’s help, I might pull through and remain as people say god intended, despite the cuteness of Neil Patrick Harris.

Good link that debunks reparative therapy and warns us of the dangers:

Tex Shelters