Posts Tagged ‘MTV’

Every Day, I’m More Gay

In Current Events, Humor on July 25, 2011 at 18:11

Ever since Ellen Degeneres got married in 2008, I have felt the gayness creep up on me. If teachers can promote sexuality in the class room, imagine what a hot gyrating Ellen Degeneres can do to our innocent young girls and promote gay, man on man, sex.

No matter how matter times I read the passage from Leviticus 20:13, “‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads”,  I feel more and more gay with every passing day. I, of course, blame liberals.

Like the destruction of a horcrux, each gay marriage makes me weaker. And it’s gotten worse with the marriages in New York pushing me to the edge.

I try to think of my role models in the heterosexual community, Ronald Reagan (twice married), Newt Gingrich (thrice married), and Mark Foley, a good family man who was entrapped into sending sexual emails to male interns for ten years, but has of course repented to god and thus is my hero. And let’s not forget the writer of Cat Scratch Fever  and arch-conservative, Ted Nugent. “He has had two wives and has eight children, including three out of wedlock in two liaisons almost 30 years apart.” If Ted Nugent can’t keep me straight, no one can.

But nothing has worked. I realized that the “gay life style” that I am supposed to be afraid of has been creeping up on me my whole life. One of the first albums I bought as a child was by Elton John. Imagine my surprise when just a couple of years ago I learned that he had married, a man! But that must be his former wife’s fault, right ladies?   If you can’t keep your man straight, you are not running a true Christian household.

Then I learned from rapper Ja Rule that MTV promotes homosexuality. I watched that station way back when it exclusively played music videos. My crush on early VJ Julie Brown must have been my attempt to cover as straight. I see it all now; love of music is gay.

Then another shocking revelation came my way when I learned that Freddy Mercury was a gay man the whole time I was listening to his music and watching his videos, on MTV! Imagine a band named “Queen” having homosexual members in it. Who would have known?

The latest signs I’m turning gay are frightening. One horrific sign is that I watched the Tony Awards, and I enjoyed it! Yes, I know Broadway is not just for gays any more, but it’s the gayt way drug to homosexuality. And I didn’t vomit at the sight of Neil Patrick Harris as all straight men should.

If that doesn’t prove I’m coming under the influence of gays and becoming more tolerant, I don’t know what does. But there’s hope for all of us who might become gay despite what a passage in a book of fiction written over two-thousand years ago and re-written multiple times to suit the political ambitions of the rich and powerful says is damnation.

First, we have the Bachman family to save us. If all is lost, I can go to Marcus Bachman, the husband of Michelle Bachman, for help. He has written about the homosexual agenda, to entertain us into being gay, and councils Christians on being straight. l He knows how harmful being gay can be for people like him who hate themselves. He knows that if you are going to fight being gay, you must learn to scorn homosexuality irrationally.

If it gets bad, I can move to Colorado Springs and join excommunicated Ted Haggard in his new church. Sure, he was kicked out of his ministry after he solicited sex from a male prostitute, but he has repented. I need the kind of role model that can break their own tenets, sin, and still come out smelling like less than shit. I am sure Haggard will help me so I don’t stray too far.

Thank god that there are plenty of people that ignore psychiatric and medical findings and think that homosexuality is an illness. Thus, there are plenty of places I can go to “remove the inclination for same sex attraction for LGBT people through talking.”

There are also many Catholic, Christian and other orthodox churches from Jewish to Islamic that condemn homosexuality, so I can always go to one of these if I feel gay and need to be put in my place. Better yet, I could move to Saudi Arabia where I could be arrested for showing signs of gayness. Now that’s a deterrent.

With role models, social deterrents, and god’s help, I might pull through and remain as people say god intended, despite the cuteness of Neil Patrick Harris.

Good link that debunks reparative therapy and warns us of the dangers:

Tex Shelters