Memo from the Desk of John Boehner: A SheltersLeaks Production

Just released are the patriotic priorities of the John Boehner House. Thank God we have Republicans looking out for the interests of the only class that matter, the Billionaires.

Dear Republican Colleges. We now have a 47-seat majority in the Senate and control the house. It is time for the final solution. It is time to push our agenda for a new, older America. What follows is our agenda for the next millennium, until the apacolypse.

1. End all taxes for those making over $250,000. The paupers should have to pay for the privilege of having us in their country. Or should I say, the paupers should have to pay MORE for that privilege. By giving more wealth to the well off, the nation will be a better place to live in. Reading the history of King George the Third, Marie Antoinette, The Shah of Iran and the Czar Nicholas I and the Romanov family clarifies that having a wealthy class makes you great nation. Why would we want to spoil it by making them (us) pay our share?

2. Destroy the Obama presidency. Obama’s caution on ending on don’t ask; don’t tell, his damn unwillingness cede his thrown to the more patriotic Sarah Palin, his extension the Afghan war, his continuation of the Bush torture and spying regimen, have all shown what a communist he is. The Democratic Obama is a danger to all future Republican presidencies mostly for one reason; he’s running his presidency like a Republican. Now what is a Republican president supposed to do?

3. End Big Government as we know it. It worked under Reagan, and look how the government shrank under GW Bush. http://www.fff.org/freedom/fd0906b.asp

4. Forced Fertilization camps. Certainly, Republican legislatures in many states have made it harder for young women to terminate an unwanted group of cells that are taking over her body. That is a good start. But we need a national law to protect white babies, of which there are too few. So, we will propose a fertilization camp somewhere in the Bible belt (Oklahoma City or Waco?), where families can send their daughters, who are born in sin, to have their babies. And if they aren’t pregnant when they get there, we’ll take care of that. The contract for building the camp will go to Haliburton under the name “Fertilization Unlimited Camps of the United States” or F.U.C.U.S.

5. Tax Cuts for Backyard Oil Drilling Communists at the E.P.A. want to give tax credits for the unproven (just like global warming and evolution are unproven) technologies of solar and wind power. What we know is what we do best, oil. So, we will pass the Backyard Lease And Home Beautifying Loan Allowable Help bill, or B.L.A.H.B.L.A.H.

6. A Gun in Every Pot. Nazis in Congress and the White House think guns should be registered, licensed and kept out of the hands of criminals. Keeping guns from criminals is the first step in keeping guns from law abiding citizens. If you ban guns from criminals, only criminals will have guns. Thus, we need to make sure that guns are more readily available.

For starters, we should install gun vending machines on subways and in the bathrooms of truck stops. Guns should also be for sale at sporting events right next to the beer stands. And vending licenses around city’s parks for gun sale, like Lincoln Park across from the White House, Central Park in New York and Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, will make us all safer.

7. End Obamacare. Our allies in the health care industry benefit from this law that will force everyone to get health care, but it doesn’t go far enough. Really, where are the death panels we were promised?

8. National Day to Celebrate Ronald Reagan’s birthday. This needs no explanation.

9. Start a new war in Iran (perhaps on Reagan’s Birthday). We could use Wikileaks for this. Fake a press release in Iranian or Muslim, or whatever language they speak in Iranibad, saying that they are planning to attack the United States. Ignore it for a while, then when Sarah Palin is President, blow up Dallas Cowboy’s stadium. Palin can announce it was terrorists from Saudi Arabia, but they have funding from and shelter in Iran where they planned the attacks. And there you have it, a new and patriotic war.

10. Get our paws on Social Security. Our banking friends, and stock broker Congressional Members, have yet to find a way to get our hands on that Social Security trust so we can make money off of it. So, if we tell people that the stock market always goes up (like housing), the idiotic American people will believe it and we can exploit what little they have left.

11. End all public schooling. Schools should be run by corporations what will teach children what is essential to function in America: greed and fear. Schools today teach hope, opportunity, and in the worst cases critical thinking. Our No Child Left Behind and Race to the Top programs aren’t destroying schools and minds fast enough. We need to privatize schools now before the public catches on.

12. End earmarks and balance the budget. No, just kidding.

More later. Congrats on your election you pretty things.

John “The Speaker” Boehner

Peace,
Tex Shelters