America, you are the greatest! I am writing today to thank the people of California, New Jersey and states all over the union for the recent historic vote. Never before has plutocracy been so secure in the nation than today. Thanks to all the voters, members of the establishment DNC and RNC, registrars of voters who kept pesky independents from voting and people running polling places all over this nation who kept the rabble from accessing ballots. And a shout to the reporters in our corporate media for reporting only the important facts that we allowed you to report.
Not since the days before citizens voted directly for Senators has there been such a guarantee of corporate largess coming our way. Back in the halcyon days of pure laissez faire economics, the government stayed out of our way when we merged into massive monopolies and trusts. Today, the government assists us in our endeavor to make profit; the government even pays us to stay in business in a way JP Morgan and Vanderbilt never dreamt of.
We currently receive some $93 billion dollars in corporate welfare a year. Then there are the government contracts making us billions more. And we are shielded from taxes in a way that was inconceivable before the 1970s.
There is a tax chart that the government publishes, and Americans are convinced that the rate in the book is what we pay. Isn’t that cute? And yes, our lackeys say, “We have the highest corporate taxes in the world!” And gratefully, people believe it. Our spokesmen hide our effective tax rates. After tax loopholes, write offs and other tax incentives, many of us pay zero or near zero in corporate taxes.
Tex Shelters, Industries LLC (TSI) paid $100 in taxes in 2015. We could have paid zero, but we wanted to be fair. It didn’t hurt that we declared losses in our fracking investments and offshore oil platforms to offset the hundreds of millions we made in prison contracts in California alone. And the government letting me overcharge them to use my fiber optic cables in Texas was real nice as was their paying us $43 dollars a day for military rations that cost us $5 to produce. Thank you, President Obama and Congress!
But today is not a day to gloat; it’s a day to celebrate. Gone is the specter of democracy from our nation, especially lukewarm, scary, forbidden social democracy. No, dear friends, we won’t have to cut our bottom line or CEO salaries or tighten our belts. Leave budget cuts to the poor people who have little to lose. We have too much to lose to lose it. Billionaires are too big to fail.
As for this victory, I have paid myself a $37 million dollar fiscal year-end bonus. I only had to lay off 433 people in the U.S. to earn it and help buy the election. Now it’s a win-win, Trump-Clinton race. We are sitting in tall cotton, that’s for darn sure.
The hard work of getting my bonus was not buying the candidates, but it was getting the Indonesian factory owners to give TSI timely delivery on our patented “Corkscrew Ammunition” for 9 mm, 45 and 22 caliber with the new 50 cal, to be released for Christmas. These bullets don’t explode on contact or “rip.” Nope. The corkscrew rounds hit a perpetrator and “corkscrews” around, tearing up a perpetrators insides, whether he be a home invader or a Muslim born in the wrong country.
So, thanks to all the people who have protected the strength and wealth of billionaires in this nation. Long live the plutocracy. And for all you in Congress, the DNC and others that helped with this election: we have six to seven figure jobs ready and waiting for you in our corporate offices.
CEO of Billionaires of America, 501(c)